An instruction guide/comedy in 4 parts PART ONE
Since these people have no life of their own after taking on a project, reminding them of the "real world" can be dangerous and should be avoided at all cost.
Scenario:
Talent discusses part of the audition sides (script) with chain smoking producer.
Talent: This is just like on the TV show Lost in that episode where they found the cave and...
Producer: I never saw it.
Talent: That episode?
Producer: Your resume! Who are you reading for? Oh hell! Next!
PART TWO
The 'after the film is over' phone call from the 'you loved my first takes' attention starved talent to the 'I used ya, already. Get over it' producer.
Scenario:
Talent has come across the producers phone number from an ex lover who did not make it in the movie or an unpaid sound man.
Producer: Hello?
Talent: Hey! I found you! It wasn't easy.
Producer: How did you get this number?
Talent: Look I don't want to bother you, but... I haven't gotten my check.
Producer: We are still in negotiations with the distributor, but after that you will be the first to...
Talent: And I haven't received a copy of my scenes for my demo.
Producer; Really? They should have been sent directly from the editing room, maybe Fed Ex...
Talent: And I am not even listed on the IMDB!
Producer: Those things take time.
Talent: And where is the SAG card you promised me?
Producer: (*Gulp*)
PART THREE
The red carpet showing of the film at the local Mall Octo-plex.
Scenario:
Producer sees Talent talking to local news talking head/wannabee reporter sent out to cover some local flavor (and because her nephew was in the film, though currently, unbeknownst to the reporter, on the cutting room floor).
Producer sides up to Talent to get some TV time.
Talent: We filmed all night at Meijer and...
Producer: Hey! It's great for everyone to come out and support the film.
Reporter: This is?
Talent: Our Producer/Director
Reporter: Well! Congratulations.
Producer: Well the real thanks should go to all the wonderful people I put together to get this film off the ground. If it hadn't been for all the hard work I never would have gotten them all together. It was tough, but I did it!
Reporter: How brave. How very brave of you. Now tell me! How was it working
with this young man? (She indicates Talent.)
Producer: Bill? He was great. Bill really got into the role. Bill carried the part from day one. Bill had some great scenes that...
Talent: (Interrupting) Tim! My name is Tim. I can't believe this. I mean... We worked together on this, off and on, for 2 years. I gave up my vacation to Hawaii and my sister's wedding to be on call for your piece of shit. And all for no pay! My name is Tim, asshole!
(LONG PAUSE)
Producer: (Grabbing cameraman's arm, talking to reporter) Hey! Let me introduce you to the guy who brought the expensive Hollywood prop we had flown in from Los Angeles. Boy! That was an expensive venture for just 2 days of shooting. The insurance was murder...
PART FOUR
An actress has met a real Hollywood studio producer on a plane flight. They hit it off. She tells the Hollywood producer that she has just completed work on an independent film and would like the chance to audition for his next studio financed feature. He offers her the chance to audition for an upcoming role, maybe, if she can send him a copy of her work on that project. Better than that, she gives the Hollywood producer the phone number of the independent film's director (and her 'just became former' lover) as a reference.
Scenario:
Producer: Hello?
Hollywood Producer: Greg! Milt Freeman here. From XRO Pictures in Hollywood.
Producer: Oh! (Brightening) Hello!
Hollywood Producer: You just finished a picture, I hear. Good for you!
Producer: You heard about that?
Hollywood Producer: Yeah! I'd like to get a copy of that. Look it over!
Producer: Is this for real? XRO Pictures?
Hollywood Producer: It sure is Greg. What's the chance I can look at some scenes.
Producer: Heck! I'll send you a copy of the whole film.
Hollywood Producer: Nah! Greg. Just the scenes with Terri in them.
Producer: Terri?
Hollywood Producer: The red head with the long legs and big breasts.
Producer: Terri Parker?
Hollywood Producer: Yeah! I guess that's her last name. I have some great plans for her out here on the coast. (Muffles phone - garbled voice) Terri, dear! Go out by the pool and get my reading glasses and Cross pen... by the crossword puzzle... make yourself another Sea Breeze on the way back. (Regular voice) So? What do you say? Greg?
Producer: Hey! Look! I don't want to seem mean or out of place, but... (holding back the hurt tears) she is NOT that good.
Hollywood Producer: Really?
Producer: She always showed up late, never knew her lines, had to take 17-18 takes every time she did a scene. She may be more of a headache than she is worth.
Hollywood Producer: Really? Well! Thanks for the honesty. Now I am going to have to find some other things to keep her occupied while she is out here. Thanks for setting the story straight. Good luck with your picture. Hope you win some festivals or whatever they do out there with indies. Bye.
(~Producer weeps uncontrollably!~)
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