What we do and what we don't do!

I just read an article on how a 15 year old (intern) detailed the habits of teens in the tech heavy world of today and how the media should take notice. He went on to report:
1. Teens don't Twitter. It is a waste of texting.
2. Teens don't read newspapers.
3. Banner ads don't work on teens.
4. Teens do not BUY music when there is music to share or stream.
5. Teens want unlimited texting - Free!

These are all interesting points, but who have thought otherwise?

I love how the tech world is growing by leaps and bounds.. and adults are diluting forums and programs that were aimed at the young set.

Myspace, Facebook and Twitter were created so teens and college kids could socialize quickly and effectively. Parents and businesses caught on and took over the operation. Myspace went corporate with Facebook soon to follow. When TV talk show hosts are "pimping" Twitter on their shows, you know it is on its way out in terms of hipness.

Here is what the new generation wants... Madison Ave. cringe and take notice:
1. Free music.
2. Free internet
3. Their own Youtube TV channel (with cash generated by ads sent directly to them!).
3. Free texting.
4. Cheap, but powerful cellphones.
5. Free video game sharing.
6. Better soft drink game prizes.
7. Less lame Reality shows... more Family Guy & Robot Chicken.
8. More comic book movies with heavy CGI.
9. No curfew.
10. Bigger allowance.
Easy as that!

Well! Shit Heads! Now here is what you get when you are not being coddled by some divorced parent looking to pay you off as a way of deeming themselves a credible adult role model:

1. A bike. Get out of the house and go to the park!
2. A baseball mitt.
3. A library card. You want FREE? it's all there, Baby!
4. A job. Grass looks great and smells great when it is mowed.
5. A list of home chores.
6. Paper, pens and envelopes to write relatives. Real communication.
7. A musical instrument.
8. A slingshot or BB Gun.
9. A fishing pole
10. Money for the collection plate on Sunday!

Mean? Nah! These are nothing! Just life lessons.

Turn off the TV for a week. Unplug all the electronics. Go invisible. You want to be a cool rebel?.. People will want you more after you've gone missing. Just a note!

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CREATIVE TALENT WORKSHOP FAQ PAGE

CREATIVE TALENT WORKSHOP FAQ PAGE
(Frequently Asked Questions)

As an acting coach and talent counselor, I have heard my share of drama, heartache and success stories from clients, students and colleagues. I have enjoyed every minute of this career by being available to lend and ear and/or help center talent in the midst of angst or when they have questions.

So I decided to put a FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) on this page to help alleviate and answer any uncertainties of what services I offer professional talent.

1. Who are your clients?
Actors, models and entertainers interested in marketing their professional careers. All ages. All across the US. I have contact to over 600 agents in the US and can work with talent via the web, by phone or in person.

2. What kind of marketing is needed for talent?
If a talent does not have an agent, I help pinpoint one. I will also help show you how to (correctly) approach, sign and establish a working relationship with your chosen agent.

3. How else do you help talent?
Acting classes, workshops and seminars. I also do guest speaking on careers in the field of entertainment for groups, schools, colleges & universities.

4. Are there a lot of paying jobs for talent out there?
I ask you this question, when was the last time you turned on the TV, radio, opened a newspaper or magazine and did NOT see an ad? There are plenty of jobs. It's how to get the audition, that separates you from them.

5. If I want to get a personal one on one consultation, how do I go about it?
I work out of the Midwest, but communicate by telephone through www.keen.com/mjfprod online. There is a nominal charge for the consultation, but the advice is well worth the price.

6. What if I am not that good and I am wasting your time?
If you are not that good, you would have NOT come to me in the first place. I live by the spiritual adage that when you are ready to learn, the teacher appears.
People don't join my program to fail. The enthusiasm and intensity of the program keep talent working, referring others and coming back for advice.

7. My husband and I are not creative or talented but our child is and wants to get into entertainment, what do we do?
You enroll them in my Creative Kids Talent Workshop classes, or art class, or dance or any program that lets them grow creatively. No one throws a child into entertainment without doing their homework. You are not going to make your child a working talent without taking calculated steps. I have been counseling parents and adults since 1990. I have been a working talent for over 40 years. I know the industry. I take great pains to keep up with all of it. When you have questions come to me.

8. Is there a place where we can read about the business?
There is our Message Board : CLICK HERE
And Helium.com CLICK HERE

9. My parents don't want me acting or can't afford classes, what do I do?
Study the industry. Amazingly enough, the harder you focus on something, the quicker opportunities come to you.

10. Are you as fun as you seem?
The reason it looks like I am having fun is because I am so enthusiastic about what I do. I could act, direct, teach and counsel 24/7. This is a fun life because my heart is in it 100%.

NOW LIVE YOUR DREAM!!!

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God, Game Shows & Peyton Manning's Knee

I received a phone call at my office from an actor friend who wanted to know how would one go about starting a Christian game show? The game show he had envisioned would be much like Jeopardy or Who Wants To Be a Millionaire except that all the questions would come from the Bible. He also wanted to know just where did these game shows come up with the millions of dollars paid out to winning contestants. In truth, I believe he saw himself as a TV host for this program and wanted someone else to take his idea and run with it by doing all the leg work to produce it. I had to explain some of the problems with such an idea.

#1 Christian TV viewers may have a hard time watching a Christian TV game show. If they have donated money to that station to continue on its good works, they may not be so pleased to see it being handed away to contestants appearing only for the money. They may see the appearance apparently tied to some level of greed. (IE.. I know the Bible so as to get paid to answer a few questions!)

#2 The millions of dollars that contestants win on shows like Who Wants to be a Millionaire or Deal or No Deal come from sponsors to the show or through an insurance company. These shows know that only a minuscule percentage of contestants will win the big money, so they pay high insurance premiums to cover themselves. The same insurance premiums that protect companies from half time wins of fans making full court baskets, or throwing a football through some hole for big money.

#3 Are people tuning in to glorify God, hear the Word of the Lord being spread to otherwise non believing TV game show fans, or just to watch people make money?

#4 Are games shows akin to gambling?

These were all questions he had to ponder before deciding if he had a really good idea or just wanted to find another niche way to get on TV as a TV personality. He obviously is a very strong believer. But I have long learned that there are believers, pretenders,the apathetic and the deniers. Though the show had merit in my eyes, maybe on a smaller scale than handing out millions (maybe a trophy or a medallion), I would believe that the TV pitch was a good explanation of the fine line between worshiping in good faith and worship the golden idol.

I have many friends who worship money and possessions. They scoff my faith, which I rarely hammer to express any point. I have also seen possessions disappear in an instant. A divorce, old age, even a bad debt can take away any and all a person may own. Worshiping money and wealth leads to shallow faith in my opinion.

Trying to explain worship is even harder. I will give an example of how convoluted it can become.

After a NFL football game, while the players are shaking hands and giving interviews, some players (from both teams) meet at the 50 yard line to pray. It is somewhat inspiring if you, as a believer, get the chance to see it. Men from different walks of life, playing in the same sport, meeting after the heat of (sports) battle, taking a knee all to praise God. Unfortunately, the NFL would never televise it for any period of time. Why? They don't want to disrupt their presentation by making players look pious, alienate non believing viewers or promoting religion. There's no money in it for their sponsors.

But let's say that I wanted to produce a TV show using a series of clips from these prayer meetings. After getting past the NFL, would some hometown fans show animosity to it all because their team's sports hero wasn't taking part in it or, better yet, was?

IE.. 'Hey! The after game prayer this week is featuring the Colts and Ravens. It is being led by Ray Lewis! Hey, wait! Where's Peyton Manning? Oh, he must be hurt, or doing an interview, or his knee is still bothering him or (1 million other excuses), etc...

Maybe Peyton Manning is such a devout man he doesn't need show it on this new TV show. Gatorade (who pays him millions, wants him immediately afterward at a press conference wearing their hat, or jacket, or logo. As you can see. It becomes convoluted.

We all worship in our own way. Our devotion sometimes is only as big as our heart, but unfortunately most of the time, it's only as big as our most dire need.

I am all for the idea of spreading the Word, if a game show is the way, so be it! It's just that as a test of faith I ask, who would be served by this kind of worship... God or money?

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Michael Jackson: Side by Side

First off... Michael Jackson and I are the same age. I remember every moment of his career and popularity as Jackson 5 front man. I remember the girls in my class having his posters and playing his 45s over and over at our middle school parties.
I followed their success through TV appearances, radio play lists and even Tiger Beat magazines. I knew that Jackie wanted to be the break out star of the group and then Jermaine. (Tito was just a recognizable cog in the Jackson family marketing machine.) But it was always Michael. On Ed Sullivan, it was Michael. Tonight Show..again Michael. Merv Griffin... Michael. Michael was the popular, cute and talented front man to the group. Other performers wanted to be or aspired to be Michael.. including Donny Osmond (the Pat Boone version of Michael). But Michael was Michael.
Michael found independence from the Jackson grind with the popularity of Ben. The theme love song from A movie about a rat. The song was better than the film. Michael knew he could probably make it on his own, even if the networks gave the group a cartoon show... and later a Sonny & Cher type TV variety program. Michael fully knew his popularity after playing the Scarecrow character in the film The Wiz starring his friend and career mentor Diana Ross.
The Disco era arrived and Michael made one last concert go with his brothers ushering in the Dancing Machine Michael. Michael could dance and people would pay to see him electrify the stage.
Quincy Jones appeared and took Michael to the stratosphere. His album Off the Wall was his solo launching point, laying the ground work for the coming Thriller avalanche of success.
The Perfect Storm. Three things coming together at the right time. MTV needed a popular hook and personality for the music/TV format. Michael needed to find a new audience. Quincy Jones provided the beat. Michael was old school... Moms and Dads knew who he was.. he was a safe album to buy for their kids. Michael was good looking... young girls fawned over his doe-y eyes and lean, dancing body. Marketers loved the glove, the jacket, the parodies and the groups they could promote using his coattails. No Michael... no Prince. No Michael.. maybe, no Madonna. No Michael... no Weird Al? No Boy groups, etc... Michael was not just the King of Pop... he was the master of his own domain!
Unfortunately, a career crumble is always bound to happen after reaching a successful summit. How do you follow up the greatest selling album of all time? You change your image and become.. Bad? Michael's album Bad was good.. but it wasn't Thriller. But no album was going to be Thriller. Lightning does not strike twice in the same place. Michael just outdid Off the Wall with Thriller. Michael did not want to usurp Thriller with Bad... just keep selling his music.
Michael reunited with his brothers to let them share in his personal success and went on a Victory Tour (promoted by Jimmy Osmond, no less). His sense of family career duty and responsibility was all but finished. Except for his promotion of sister Janet and an awkwardness in dealing with sister LaToya's public eccentricities.
But Hollywood called... and Michael had to play the part.. public Michael. Be seen with celebrities. Have celebrity friends. Live the celebrity lifestyle. Michael was magical (so said the press) he better live like it... Neverland ranch came into being. A wonderland. Disney without Mickey... just Michael. But as opposed to Disney... a corporation that churns out, packages and repackages product.... Michael was only a man. Or was he? He was painted as a Peter Pan. The boy who never grew up. Neverland was supposedly the childhood he never had. He could play with kids. He could be a kid. And when he wanted more friends.. he had his own kids. All through a sham marriage or 2.
Now was he a pedophile? Two schools of thought. One... he did pay off a child $20+ million dollars to keep quiet about some personal issue. And then he was accused by another child of molestation... charges were proved false in court. Second school of thought.. He had sleep overs with young children. What type of parent allows their kids to sleep over with a 40 y/o man? Too weird.
The plastic surgery. Michael denied most of it... but if you ask 90% of Hollywood (Joan Rivers excluded)... they will deny it, too. But the rumor that Michael wanted to look like Diana Ross may have been somewhat true... as he did look like her with nose #3 out of 6. Chemical peel or skin disease? I'll guess, the peel. Hair straightener... definitely!
So bills mounted for Michael because living in a magical world is expensive. Lawyer bills are, too.
So he planned to head off he for a new tour. (Probably culminating in a long $$$$$$$$$ stay in some Las Vegas venue.) Had he shaken off all the bad press in the US to sell tickets? He was to start his tour in London. Safe enough and still some fanatical fans across the great pond.. Jacko and all. But Michael was 50.. he was not in his teens, 20s or even his 30s. Tours are grueling and grinding.. especially when your show has you dancing 75% of it! The drugs appeared. Was it the drugs that ended it all?
I have lived my own 50 years side by side with Michael. I am not sad or shocked by his demise. He death to me was like Elvis.. like John Belushi...even John Lennon. He was just another star who surprisingly went too soon.. but will live larger than life as legendary dead icon. Add Michael to that diner picture with James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and Elvis. His music will live long past his lifestyle. Death erases a lot of things... well, at least it did for Socrates. Rest in Peace, Gloved one!

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Gaga Over a Radio Shuffle

The Police were a popular rock group of the early 80s. It seems every year they released a new and killer album to their growing fan base. But one year they held off... and what happened? Men at Work (the Aussie band) appeared and filled the void. Short lived but popular.
Bruce Springsteen launched a juggernaut with his Born in the USA CD. (The first CD ever released BTW!) The music was popular and mainstream.. and MTV certified. But then there was a void between The Boss albums... in comes old school Greg Allman with "I'm No Angel" and he is hip to a brand new audience.. an MTV audience.
The Spin Doctors spawned The Georgia "Keep Your Hands to Yourself" Satellites and Tom "Love is a Highway" Cochran
The timely untimely retirement of The Grateful Dead roadshow spawned Phish and even Dave Matthews' nomadic legions.

But this is about Lady Gaga. Is she the next Christina Aguillera? The next Gwen Stefani? Fergie? Or is she just filling their void. Fergie jumped back on tour with the Black Eyed Peas. (Maybe looking to regain some street cred?) Gwen back on a No Doubt rock it tour. Tough financial times asking for bigger music act to fill venues brought the ladies back?
Brit is delivering some decent receipts with her Circus lip sync tour. Madonna still wows them abroad. Lady Gaga owns their void. She gets more radio play than Amy Winehouse and is more MTV quirkier (marketable) than Katy Perry. She has grabbed the spotlight. Can she hold it?
I believe she is a fake. Not a fake talent... but faking her talent. She seems a phenomenal singer (in the vain of Christina Aguillera), but can't rely on sweet ballads to keep her on top of the all girl cheerleader/jump rope rock heap. Christina can sing.. Fergie can sing... Britney needs studio magic. Who knows if Jessica Simpson's musical roots are being retouched (like her hair)? And Madonna is still an event (now in her 50s).

Which direction will Lady Gaga go? Commercial? Mainstream? Or locked in the pop and lock.. come and go world of girl cheerleader/jump rope 15 minute of famers? Maybe when she doffs the quirky techno imagery of the 80s/90s divas she will prove that she is the real deal. Not just a void replacement. We can all go gaga after that.

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The Steroid Era in Baseball

What has happened with sports and the steroid era explosion is that players and salaries have climbed aboard a treacherous see-saw. The steroids, while considered dangerous, illegal and unfair, have always been performance enhancing. They build and repair broken, tired and torn muscles faster than any rest or rehab. The faster an athlete can rebuild or condition their body, the faster they can achieve a higher rate of success in their prospective sport. Once they excel in the sporting world, the player contracts and the advertisers come calling with big money in hand.

Unfair? Sure! If a million dollar athlete can excel by use of illegal substances, they can be rewarded 10 fold. Unfortunately, other athletes not playing by breaking or bending the rules lose out on such rewards, accolades and records. Steroids have not only diluted the integrity of the game, but all the records that have been broken by their use.

Ben Johnson loses Olympic Gold and the title of World's Fastest Human. Drug test later, he is an embarrassment to Track & Field and the whole country of Canada. Media darling and track star Marion Jones chokes on her words as she confesses the truth, her records were tarnished by drugs!
Floyd Landis loses Tour de France glory by dope testing. Which fuels more speculation on Lance Armstrong's record previous run and doping accusations.
Roger Clemens says he didn't, though others say he did. this includes pitcher/friend Andy Pettite who announced he was a user, too. And the focal point of this falls on Barry Bonds who broke two of sports history's most coveted records (most home runs in a season and all time) while being trained by convicted the Steroid Supplier to the Stars!
NFL Football players, MLB Baseball players, even WWE wrestlers have been caught using the needle.

What do we care? Isn't everybody doing it? No! Everyone is not doing it. And by using drugs and getting rewarded, most player careers and broken records can just be considered tarnished and worthless. It is not just the sub-human steroid-less sports records, it's the rewards and honors for doing so.

Alex Rodriguez, baseball's squeaky clean poster boy and new age image is the next in a long line of record breaking, secret steroid using assailants. Why care about Alex Rodriguez? He was paid the largest sports contract ever for his prowess which only proves the point. For big money, pro stars will do what they have to do. Records or not.

Barry Bonds has enjoyed his status as the greatest home run hitter of all time, but the accolades and self-promoting were all short lived as he must face charges of lying in front of a Congressional committee. Now the greatest slugger in a generation or two can't find a team to play for and we can ask the question, "Was it worth it, Barry?"

At some point the sports record books will include a huge asterisk section. It is then all these athletes who were paid multi-millions of dollars to entertain us with dunks, home runs, touchdowns and world record times will have their egos appeased. Sports purists will only look at that section and reminisce about the days when you players really played the game and not played us, the fans!

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Palin Lawyer Threatens Lawsuits for Pie Throwing

In the court of public opinion, when it comes to dissing Sarah Palin, you may just end up in court. Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska, the Friday before the Fourth of July weekend, more than a year before her term was to end. She expressed later online that she had a "higher calling". Her plans? To bring conservatives back together again and rebuild the Republican party. Well! Good luck with that!

The real fun was the announcement that any blogger who trashes the losing Veep candidate of the 2008 election was going to face a defamation lawsuit. Palin attorney Thomas Van Flein on Saturday warned legal action may be taken against bloggers and publications that reprint what he calls fraudulent claims.

It appears no one knows the real reason the woman, who could not recall any magazines she read to Katie Curic, stepped down from office and away from the responsibilities to her constituents. So do not try to speculate... or you will be sued.

Political pundits beware! Say it... Pay it!!!!

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How to tell fortunes at parties

Looking for a great way to break the ice at parties? Want to add a little fun at a reunion? Want to mystify your friends and family with just a plain deck of playing cards? Then learn how to tell fortunes. It's all for fun and for entertainment purposes only.

Everybody loves to hear about their futures, whether they tell you or dismiss you. A little card magic (which comes from how the cards are selected) and a little explanation (the future is really created in the mind of the person getting the reading) and your turn as a fortune teller can begin.

IT'S ALL IN THE CARDS All you need is a quiet space and and regular deck of cards. No jokers. If you are at a party try to find a quiet spot like an available side room, kitchen or table. When you are doing your reading, you want to try to be one on one with the other person. There will always be gawkers and naysayers around you, but it seems more mysterious when you are talking low and directly with the other person.

CREATE INITIAL ILLUSION To build up the mood and a little suspense, have the person (we will call the Readee) guess the color of the top card. Either Red or Black. This will create the illusion that they are in tune with the coming fortune being detailed by the cards. If they guess wrong, either stop for a moment or pick someone else from the crowd and have them guess the color of the next top card. If they are correct, have them switch seats with Readee who has guessed wrong.

THE EXPLANATION OF THE CARDS This is the easy part. If the Readees can understand what the cards mean (you will probably have to explain this quite a few times) then they will create their own fortunes and misfortunes in their own mind. It is an easy deception and you do not have to manipulate any of the cards for some magical result. This is easier to learn that any magic card trick. The cards are based on suits and numbers (Royal face cards and Aces mean a higher number). The suits are explained as follows: Hearts mean something you like or you love. Diamonds mean money or good fortune. Clubs mean getting something, but paying a price. (Clubs are best explained that you may have had a great time at a New Year's Eve Party, but a hangover is the price. Or the new dress you bought looks great, until the credit card bill arrives.) And finally Spades, a warning or time to halt or stop what you are doing. The number of the cards is explained as: The higher the card, the more intense the situation or level of happiness (or difficulty) for that particular area of the Readees fortune. A 2 spade is less intense as getting a Jack of Clubs, but just as dangerous (or however dire you make the illusion of the reading).

THE READING & 5 AREAS OF LIFE There are 5 areas of a person's life that you can predict here. They are listed in the following: 1. How the Readee is feeling right now in their life! 2. Their Work or Career 3. Their Health 4. Their Finances (Different than work or career salary or income) 5. Their Love Life! (Always a popular area...save it for last!) Here is how this all works! You shuffle the cards a few time then tell your Readee to tell you to stop as you thumb through the deck. You say, "First! How are you feeling right now! Stop me at anytime. Just say Stop!" When they do, put that card face down on the table. Now do the same for the 4 other areas. All face down and next to each other. Remember the order of the areas, you don't want to disrupt the illusion that any of these cards mean less than the illusion you have created. Next, flip over each cards explaining the suits again as you go and the level of intensity that corresponds with the number.

Example #1. "How you feel now... A King of Spades... Stop what you are doing... You may be drinking too much... you may have a problem on your way home... be careful!"

Example #2 "Your Love Life" (They may claim they have none, it doesn't matter) "You have a 4 of hearts... love is on the way or just simmering, but there is someone out there that cares and wants you!"

Example #3 (If they have been drinking and get a Club) "Your health and you get a 8 of Clubs. Have fun... but be sure to take aspirin and drink a lot of water before you go to bed!"

Example #4 (They have had you pull a high Diamond card) "Your finances! Wow! You have some real money coming! Maybe WE should go to a casino tomorrow or at least play the lottery! Are you always lucky?" You see? It gets the ball rolling and some conversation with people you may never have met! But beware, if it is a reunion, you may hear some things you didn't want to know, especially from a family member!

Remember! The more dire or the schmaltzier the better when it comes to a reading. It's all for fun, but some people fall for it over and over again. They may even demand you tell fortunes at future parties! This has nothing to do with religion or black magic as it is to just entertain a group of people looking for a quick and fun diversion. It's easy to learn. And it's easy to meet new and interesting people (and hear about their lives) in the process. Have fun!

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The relationship between the actor and the agent

To understand the relationship between an actor and his talent agent, I have decided to explain by dissecting an infamous joke. As you read, you will understand that there is truth behind all humor, but it is the lack of truth which provides the humor.

~ An actor comes home and finds his home ransacked...

[First let it be known, actors do not own houses. Mortgage companies rarely see acting as a profession worthy of an investment risk. And since most actors are on the go, and rarely have time to clean up the clothes, costumes, bags or make-up strewn about their living space, how would this actor know if his home had been ransacked at all?]

~ He find his wife and kids are tied up...

[An actor has a wife and kids? Maybe she showed up to drop off the kids for a visitation. Marriage and actors rarely mix. And if this actor was married with kids, she would have a job. And if she was working to support his career, she would show animosity and make him quit. Thus it would be a two income home and they could possibly afford a better security system.]

~The actor removes the duct tape on his wife's mouth...

[Need I ask why a man in his right mind would go to the wife first? She will give him an earful in due time. So he should have untied the kids, fed them and got them to bed first. Then he could take all the coming verbal onslaught that he was due and the kids would not be crying and hungry.]

~She tells him that his agent came to the house and did all this...

[As you can see the set up is leading to a very simple punchline. So let's sidetrack here and talk about gas prices. I believe gas should cost $1.18 at the pump. There is no reason that it should not. Gas prices are based on what the retailer/wholesaler believe that costs will be like in the near future. Well I say, what if in the future a voice (from the great beyond) sounds off and tells us specifically how to harness nuclear fusion? And what if the cost of energy becomes be pennies on the dollar and we could sue the big oil and gas companies for gouging consumers? Well, we would probably have to be taxed by the government to cover a larger defense budget used to protect us against countries that can now move, work and grow without our control. {Yes! Energy is a control issue!} Well? Then the whole point of gas and future prices would be mute. Now...back to the joke.

~PUNCHLINE: Actor says, "My agent came to the house?"

[Agents do not come to the house! They do not care, coddle or Jerry McGuire any of their clients unless that client has the potential of making them money. Agents would not drive to an actor's house, they wouldn't know the address. If they did, actors would be paid quicker since the checks would be mailed to the right place. Agents would be too drunk to tie a good sturdy knot. Agents fear spouses because they already plot to destroy the agent's money maker's career. So this could not take place. Making it more a fantasy, then a joke based on any reality.]

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How to Handle a Self Serving, Non Paying, Tyrannical & Temperamental, Foul Mouthed, Producer/Director and still get cast!

An instruction guide/comedy in 4 parts

PART ONE

Since these people have no life of their own after taking on a project, reminding them of the "real world" can be dangerous and should be avoided at all cost.
Scenario:
Talent discusses part of the audition sides (script) with chain smoking producer.
Talent: This is just like on the TV show Lost in that episode where they found the cave and...
Producer: I never saw it.
Talent: That episode?
Producer: Your resume! Who are you reading for? Oh hell! Next!

PART TWO

The 'after the film is over' phone call from the 'you loved my first takes' attention starved talent to the 'I used ya, already. Get over it' producer.
Scenario:
Talent has come across the producers phone number from an ex lover who did not make it in the movie or an unpaid sound man.
Producer: Hello?
Talent: Hey! I found you! It wasn't easy.
Producer: How did you get this number?
Talent: Look I don't want to bother you, but... I haven't gotten my check.
Producer: We are still in negotiations with the distributor, but after that you will be the first to...
Talent: And I haven't received a copy of my scenes for my demo.
Producer; Really? They should have been sent directly from the editing room, maybe Fed Ex...
Talent: And I am not even listed on the IMDB!
Producer: Those things take time.
Talent: And where is the SAG card you promised me?
Producer: (*Gulp*)

PART THREE

The red carpet showing of the film at the local Mall Octo-plex.
Scenario:
Producer sees Talent talking to local news talking head/wannabee reporter sent out to cover some local flavor (and because her nephew was in the film, though currently, unbeknownst to the reporter, on the cutting room floor).
Producer sides up to Talent to get some TV time.
Talent: We filmed all night at Meijer and...
Producer: Hey! It's great for everyone to come out and support the film.
Reporter: This is?
Talent: Our Producer/Director
Reporter: Well! Congratulations.
Producer: Well the real thanks should go to all the wonderful people I put together to get this film off the ground. If it hadn't been for all the hard work I never would have gotten them all together. It was tough, but I did it!
Reporter: How brave. How very brave of you. Now tell me! How was it working
with this young man? (She indicates Talent.)
Producer: Bill? He was great. Bill really got into the role. Bill carried the part from day one. Bill had some great scenes that...
Talent: (Interrupting) Tim! My name is Tim. I can't believe this. I mean... We worked together on this, off and on, for 2 years. I gave up my vacation to Hawaii and my sister's wedding to be on call for your piece of shit. And all for no pay! My name is Tim, asshole!
(LONG PAUSE)
Producer: (Grabbing cameraman's arm, talking to reporter) Hey! Let me introduce you to the guy who brought the expensive Hollywood prop we had flown in from Los Angeles. Boy! That was an expensive venture for just 2 days of shooting. The insurance was murder...

PART FOUR

An actress has met a real Hollywood studio producer on a plane flight. They hit it off. She tells the Hollywood producer that she has just completed work on an independent film and would like the chance to audition for his next studio financed feature. He offers her the chance to audition for an upcoming role, maybe, if she can send him a copy of her work on that project. Better than that, she gives the Hollywood producer the phone number of the independent film's director (and her 'just became former' lover) as a reference.
Scenario:
Producer: Hello?
Hollywood Producer: Greg! Milt Freeman here. From XRO Pictures in Hollywood.
Producer: Oh! (Brightening) Hello!
Hollywood Producer: You just finished a picture, I hear. Good for you!
Producer: You heard about that?
Hollywood Producer: Yeah! I'd like to get a copy of that. Look it over!
Producer: Is this for real? XRO Pictures?
Hollywood Producer: It sure is Greg. What's the chance I can look at some scenes.
Producer: Heck! I'll send you a copy of the whole film.
Hollywood Producer: Nah! Greg. Just the scenes with Terri in them.
Producer: Terri?
Hollywood Producer: The red head with the long legs and big breasts.
Producer: Terri Parker?
Hollywood Producer: Yeah! I guess that's her last name. I have some great plans for her out here on the coast. (Muffles phone - garbled voice) Terri, dear! Go out by the pool and get my reading glasses and Cross pen... by the crossword puzzle... make yourself another Sea Breeze on the way back. (Regular voice) So? What do you say? Greg?
Producer: Hey! Look! I don't want to seem mean or out of place, but... (holding back the hurt tears) she is NOT that good.
Hollywood Producer: Really?
Producer: She always showed up late, never knew her lines, had to take 17-18 takes every time she did a scene. She may be more of a headache than she is worth.
Hollywood Producer: Really? Well! Thanks for the honesty. Now I am going to have to find some other things to keep her occupied while she is out here. Thanks for setting the story straight. Good luck with your picture. Hope you win some festivals or whatever they do out there with indies. Bye.
(~Producer weeps uncontrollably!~)

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Palin pales to impress Obama in race challenge

Alaska governor Sarah (Poser) Palin remarks in a (hard hitting?) * FLUFF * article for some running magazine that she could beat Obama in a running race! Is she still playing the media idiot?

Hey Honey?!!! You do look good at 45. You are not fat... yet! ...But that does not make you a contender for the role of leader of the whole free world. Now pick up your Victoria Secret lace off the floor, put it on and head to the kitchen and make your man a chicken pot pie.. and finish the dishes in the sink while you are waiting for the oven to heat up.

Obama may be a little bit too busy these days to train for some ego boosting photo shoot where you can wear spandex. He is trying to solve an economy problem (your party's administration ignored until it was too late) and end a war (your party's administration hemorrhaged money into with no exit strategy). Obama may race you to a microphone for a debate.. but with no cue cards or pre-knowledge of the questions... you may want to practice those running skills getting out the door from embarassment.

2012 your year? Keep running and staying fit. While the short list of Republican Prez candidates seem to be dropping like flies (how many affairs can these guys have?) ... and the GOP 100 light years behind in technology to rev up a new age voter base... it seems that only posing for these cheesecake photos can make you look like a viable candidate, or at least keeps you in the public psyche.

Your 15 minutes are at 12. Keep up the good fight.. and... Run.. run like the wind! the wind coming from the air in your inflated head!

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How To Get Her Into Golf

More men have been interested in finding ways of getting out of the house to play golf than finding ways to get their respective partners interested. By following the tips explained in this article a married couple and share the passion and frustration associated with the great game of golf.

If your wife knows little about the game, you are going to have to bring her up to speed through assimilation. This process takes a little time, but will peak her interest in golf through means other than just a basic explanation or tales of golf exploits long past.

The steps here involve...

A subscription to a good golf magazine or digest and a catalog of good looking golf gear (which includes clothes as well as accessories) will have them looking into tips and design.
A visit to a scenic gold course. Just a walk around the perimeter may peek her aesthetic curiosity to 'a Good Walk Spolied'. Some resorts across the nation have tours, some clubs have ladies outings.

If you want your wife to play the game of golf, answer the following:
Is she capable of walking or playing at least 9 holes?
Is she a bit competitive?
Is she social?
Does she have a group of friends interested in the game on their own?
Does she have the patience? Do you?

There really is no time frame for a wife or partner to take up the game, or at least learn the basics. There are low cost driving ranges. There are putting greens. There are par 3 courses. These are all easy ways to wet her appetite (if any for the game). There are great golf tournaments on TV and cable (when starting to get her interested watch a Sunday final that is close and let her see the excitement of a tournament win. Let her be a Tiger Woods fan, even though you are a Mickleson fan or vice versa.

There are great video games that bring golf into your home before you even leave your house for the links. These include the Wii system game from Nintendo. You may not be holding a real club, but it teaches scoring and course approaches.

The best way to keep your spouse interested on the way to true golf appreciation is for you to not bad mouth the game. If you come home spitting nails at the 3 bogeys you made on the back nine, let it go! Remove the negative factor, as much as possible. This goes for any betting you do along the way.

There are some very astute golf fans out there who never pick up a club. They love the look and feel of resorts and courses in exotic or traditional places. Your spouse may fall into your passion for the sport if you share in the enthusiasm of the event and even its commercial appeal.

It is very easy to cause a rift in a marriage by turning your wife into a golf widow. But if she understands your passion and the game, she will most likely oblige in your participation. But, then again, don't feel too bad if she takes up the sport, excels and then she and her group leave you behind while 'playing through'.

Golf! It really is for everybody.

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The Blue Duck

If your kid is painting a blue duck and you stop them by saying "there are NO blue ducks"... you have just gotten in the way of the creative process. Unless that duck is being painted on your hallway wall... go watch that episode of Ace of Cakes you DVR-ed in the other room and let them be. They'll ask you for a critique when they want one.

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Hidden images in Da Vinci's paintings

I have read the book. I have seen the movie. I have followed the hype.

Dan Brown has given Leonardo Da Vinci more credit than he deserves. Or needs. Leonardo Da Vinci was a brilliant artist, thinker and designer. Dan Brown used that credibility and added some far out leads, theories and the unbelieveable to weave his own tale of intrigue all the way to financial riches. Who really had the hidden agenda?

I believe Da Vinci was a very wise and protective person. He hid his plans and writings behind a left handed scrawl that only he and a mirror could read easily. So if he mastered writing backwards, why could he not sketch images backwards and forwards in his paintings?
The Last Supper has two knights (of Templar?) on either side of the table when the painting is superimposed with its mirror image. Or does it? It is a spectacular image when you know what you are looking for, or are told what you are looking for in it.

Is the young John really Mary Magdalene? Is there really no reference to a wife for Jesus anywhere in the writings on Christ? So Da Vinci leaves us this clue in a painting? Well it has to be true! It has all the other correct disciples there, right? Of course I doubt the disciples were
sitting at the table like this in case they were having a "celebrity roast" and the part of John the Younger was played by Rose Marie. It is just a painting folks. Unless you come up with the manual or diary that says otherwise.

I can imagine how Da Vinci would explain it...
"Dear Diary... Boy! I'mma gonna fool dese-a peeps who come-a look atta my paint of the Last Sup! And a waita until dey-a try anna figure out da Mona Lisa." Or better written...
atta kool a-emoc ohw speep a-esed loof annog amm'I !yoB ...yraiD raeD" ...well you get my cryptic sarcastic point.

Doing so, I follow with these thoughts:
`The Mona Lisa was probably a real girl or the amalgam of a few.
`The Last Supper is not a musical score.
`Jesus was NOT married. (He had no wedding ring in the painting. This
would be a must for any man on a Boys Night Out away from the Missus.)
`John the Younger seemed to have an effeminate personage to Da Vinci.
`If you superimpose George Washington from the dollar bill, he crosses his eyes and holds his breath like how any kid would pose in a photo booth.

In all reality, Da Vinci was a private person who was very protective of his creations. He probably did not want to leave any hidden clues or meanings behind his work only to be discovered and exposed or copied for profit. The kind of profit that others like Dan Brown have gotten from conjecture. !desolc esaC

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A sex only relationship

The F Buddy. The Booty Call. The Usual Suspect. These come from the clever, if not crass, descriptive terminology we use to describe sexual partners in relationships that don't ask for commitment. Researchers deem that a healthy relationship between two caring partners must include intimacy, contact, sharing and give and take. The sex only relationship can be a shallow self serving alternative. Do we need care about a sex partner? Well the question can also be asked just what is a relationship with people on our sports league team, a drinking buddy, an exercise pal, or a friend we meet often for lunch? Determining a role for that partner is like pigeonholing them into some category. What we are using them for or vice versa, what we lose or gain from their connection to us is based solely on time and availability.
A compatible, loving and nurturing relationship is hard to come by. The adage that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your true Prince still applies to this generation as it had for so many years before. It seems that our disposable society dictates some sort of an inevitability for failure in a relationship, we bail out before the relationship ever takes root. We start to acquire certain personalities and people who fill needs while trying to find the amalgam of them all. In one partner or friend, we find a good cook. One may enjoy or penchant for reading or movies. One may like the outdoors. One may like the indoors. And then we find one that is totally compatible in bed, if not just from the sake of availability.
A compatible sex partner usually doesn't care about the day to day stress of work, family or problems. They may lend an ear, but serve no real purpose in resolving any deep rooted problems. They are a band-aid to an emotional cut, but they will not stop any hemorrhage. They fulfill a physical need, boost an ego and create a diversion which may or may not power the psyche. If it feels good, why not go with it? They were there, right?
A sex only relationship is a wonderful diversion for some, but does not help the partner who is really looking for an honest relationship. Can one really be honest with a new potential admirer when there is a paramour simmering away on the back burner. And does there become a pattern that all failed relationships lead back to the sex only partner? This can't be a healthy routine.
Building trust with the sex only partner is actually a series of games. Truth or dare. Does the sex only partner have others? Are they sexual healthy, if there are others? Would they even tell you if and who the others are?
There is also jealousy involved in a sex only relationship, though most who are involved in such will deny it. Sharing intimacy can become pebbles and boulders to some. One partner lambastes all others who they have dated and the sex only partners share a laugh. The same partner raves about a new love interest on the horizon and the other starts to see the clock on the wall. What was the reward of such a relationship? Good times? Good memories? Another notch on the bedpost.
Why do people seek out sex only relationships? Fear of intimacy. Fear of commitment. Revenge. Jealousy. Sexual compatibility. They may all have a part in it.
Is it wrong to have such a relationship? Some would think so only if the relationship was hurting someone else, another person outside that relationship. Also, if the relationship was steering either of the partners away from seeking a true honest committed relationship. And if for some reason they think they are safe (emotionally and health-wise) by being in such a relationship they go on without seeking complete honesty from the other partner. Call it what it really is a diversion from the real thing. And the only thing real about it is that the person who is usually left feeling emotionally empty is you.

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Tips for moving on after a bad breakup

You are worthless. You are not deserving of happiness. All the faults that were insinuated were true. You could not make anyone happy. You were wrong. You don't know anything. You were horrible as a friend, a confidant and even worse a lover. Now that all of that garbage is out of the way, it is time for the truth. You are a person. You have the right to be treated with respect. Never forget that. Ever!

There is no formula for a good break up to any relationship. It seems that the break up of a relationship that lasted only a matter of days or weeks can be just as painful as one that lasted over the course of years or even decades. Cast civility to the winds, there is no joy in dissolving any relationship.

We are all victims of our own emotions. When we are abandoned, we feel the distance. When we are abused (physical or verbal), we feel the hurt. When we have decided to move on, we must clear it with our inner being. Sometimes we fight to maintain a sort of normalcy, keeping things status quo, though our lives lead us elsewhere. So why do break ups hurt? Because your partner, or better stated, your relationship was part of your being. It is hard to change yourself or even picture yourself heading out into the unknown, to some a scary proposition, to others a reprieve.

All relationships are organic. Like a beautiful flower, they have to be nurtured, watered and given the right amount of fresh air. But as the seasons change so do certain emotions. Can a relationship survive the hardships that come financially, emotionally, socially, spiritually and even physically. Is it true that a woman wants a man to change and a man wants a woman to stay the same? Maybe not, because in effect, it can never happen. Change is always inevitable.

There are 5 easy steps to surviving and moving on after a bad break up. They are listed here. Follow the steps that best suit you and you can shorten the duration of the "repair" time to any emotional hurt following the break up itself.

#1 People break up. It happens everyday. Your hurt will be no more or less emotional than that felt by any other going through the same thing. It is just a matter of extremes. Since a great number of people do go through (and eventually survive) a break up, find someone out there to talk to who can really relate to where your head (and heart) is at the time. Talking things out, much like confession, is good for the soul.

#2 Bad mouthing your partner is not getting you to closure in the relationship anytime sooner. Take the high road, even though it feels more self-rewarding the other way.

#3 Look ahead with hope. Don't settle for something too quick. Lots of people try to move on from one relationship by accepting anything that comes along. It feels better than what they just left. Settling is only cause to extend the ill feelings of the bad relationship and the possibly adding the feeling you lack self worth.

#4 There is no time frame in getting over a bad relationship. Some take a second, some take years, even some take a lifetime. Your sense of closure will come with its own clock. Respect your emotional time clock. If it hurts for awhile, let it out. But when you are ready to move on, be prepared to stop winding the clock.

#5 Forgiveness and acceptance. These are the key to emotional repair after a bad break up. First, forgive yourself. You are a GOOD person. Whether you believe it, or have been told otherwise. Accept that any relationship is part of your make up, but does not define you as a person. You do not need others to complete you. They can enhance and fulfill your life, but when it comes down to it, accepting yourself totally puts the whole repair process in gear.

There is an adage that states 'Time heals all wounds', to which Groucho Marx replied "Time wounds all heels!" How you decide to repair yourself after a bad break-up is going to be based on just how much you are going to allow yourself to accept the pain of a bad relationship. Let the hurt go. Let your happiness grow. You are worth it!

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