Dating and the Single Mother.You are balancing the kids and a daily schedule which may include work, sitters, friends, relatives, shopping and if you are lucky some "Me" time. Your Ex may or may not be in the picture. You may feel alone or alienated from your married and committed friends. You have decided the time is right to throw yourself out there. But how does the single mother start back and succeed in the dating world? It takes some effort and energy on your part. It takes some resiliency and compromise. But follow these Dos and Don'ts and you can ease into the dating world while avoiding pitfalls like relying on the meat market and the bar scene.
1. Men want a woman... Not their Mom! While being a mother hen is a gracious and noble trait, being a woman is foremost the most attractive attribute you bring into dating. Yes! You love your kids. But also, you love your life and are willing to open it up and share it with a friend or partner. Going on and on about school, sports, awards and accomplishments that your kids have achieved are probably the most important topics in your life, they may not have the same impact on your date or partner. Temper your family enthusiasm by gauging the situation. If they seem interested and want to keep that area of the conversation going, continue on. If they are men...they pretty much want to talk about themselves, so you have to balance it all while somewhat stroking their ego as well.
2. Hey! Good looking!... No woman enters the dating scene without some self awareness. If you have lived in sweat pants for the past 6 months, it maybe time to spruce up your wardrobe. If you have been sneaking french fries from your kid's Happy Meals, you may want to become a bit more active. Now saying all that I will add that in dating and having a successful date, one must try to be their true self. If a man doesn't like you for the person on the inside, then they were after a false front in the first place. The same goes for the Single Mom. You want an active man? Become active yourself. Remember you attract the type of personality you want by exhibiting the same traits yourself.
3. "This time around I am going to date someone younger...or richer... or taller...or with more hair!" These are expectations and qualities that some Moms lay out in their quest for the mythical, perfect man. Some reflect causes for the separation or divorce from the Ex. Some are spite. Some are the qualities they wanted since they first started dating years ago. Some are even reflective of their father or a male figure in their life. But love is blind. You may find a man who has all the qualities you sought when you stipulated your date plan, but will you be disappointed when you don't match his checklist?
4. "Hello! I am Carol and these are my kids... where are you going?" Never introduce your kids at the early stages of dating. You cause undue stress for both sides. Yes! To make a committed relationship work there has to be some interaction with the extended members of the parties involved, but not at the outset. You will need time to get to know your date. He will need time to assimilate his place in your kids' world.
5. Sex, Baby!... Lack of intimacy is a double edge sword in the dating world. Men become predators. Women can feel used. But women can be predators, too. After dealing with an extended period lacking some if any physical contact, a powerful romantic interlude can be confused with some heartfelt attraction of the complete being. In other words, just because you feel wonderful does not make him Mr. Wonderful. Not saying that he can't be, but physical attraction is only one component in the successful world of dating. Time and commitment are even more important.
6. "I'm not paying!"... There are some women who believe that the entire financial aspect of any date falls on his shoulders. in some cases this is true, in others it works to both persons' advantage. It's called the Subliminal Compromise. He buys her dinner, she treats him to a picnic...or home cooked meal. He pays for the theater tickets, she finds a concert in the park or gets movie passes. It can all balance out. Sex for a dinner is never part of the balance for either party.
7. The New Dating! ... Dating used to be when someone called another with plans to go out. Today, the rules have all changed. We now live in a 'group meet/hook up later' society. How it works is like this: Your friends (and his extended friends) meet up at some bar, movie or attraction. You all intermingle. You give off some sort of come on signal. You go home. He calls later and asks you to come over to his place or vice versa. Ah! You can just see Cary Grant after a booty call with this scenario. The concept of this new type of dating comes from the aspect that no one wants to get hurt and everyone feels secure in numbers. Crazy, but it works. It is not helping the candlelit dinner restaurants around town, but at least people are interacting and meeting new people.
8. Signals!... Get to know these signs! Memorize these. These are essential in making the dating world successful for you!
~ How you treat a waiter is how you are going to treat him in a year or two. Men know this!
~ Talk bad about your ex or old boyfriends and your date hears his own name by the end of the night! Men know this!
~ When he opens the car door for you, open his door lock immediately from the inside! Men know this!
~ If he wants to open a door for you, help with your coat, hold your chair...Let him! It is a sign of respect! Men know this!
9. Dating Sites!... You have seen E Harmony ads, Match.com. Matchmakers. All of these web sites for dating are all over the web. Do they work? Yes! Sometimes! A lot of men who use these sites are looking for companionship. Many are there just to find hook ups. Women who use these sites can be bombarded with requests for phone numbers, e-mails, dates but mostly requests for hook-ups. Sometimes it seems fun to look through prospective partners and see what they have to offer, but in the long run the larger the number of admirers, the more pitiful the process seems and can depress you as a person. Are there success stories? Sure. But temper your enthusiasm on meeting Mr. Right through a technology that can lead him to your replacement.
10. Then HOW DO I FIND HIM? I tend to go more with the "friends" route. Your friends, even co-workers, should know you and quite a bit of your personality. They should be able to identify quite a few perspective and potential men as date material. Be gracious, not desperate!
Also, get involved in things that you really like to do and you will attract someone with your own interests. Play volleyball? Join a mixed league. Like art? Take a painting class. Want someone with same religious or moral background? Join a Church group single program. There are hundreds of opportunities to meet new and interesting people with your same values and standards.
We all seek some sort of contact. Having children should not be a barrier to finding some adult happiness. Just remember to stay positive. You atttract more flies with honey than with vinegar! Just be happy!
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